NOBODY Scoops General Petraeus

Appearing at The Jaundiced Eye, My Left Wing, and the Independent Bloggers' Alliance.

This week the General Accountability Office slipped an advance copy of its progress report on Iraq to the Washington Post. Their report was "strikingly negative." The GAO thinks that Iraq has failed to meet all but 3 of its 18 mandated benchmarks. But that's because the GAO is a bunch of girlie-men. Don't they know that we are all supposed to -- say it with me now -- "Wait to hear what General Petraeus has to say!"

Well General Petraeus is speaking, to The Australian, and guess what: The Surge Is Working!

"We say we have achieved progress, and we are obviously going to do everything we can to build on that progress and we believe al-Qa'ida is off balance at the very least," he said.

At the "very least," he says. Pshaw. I think the thing I love most about General Petraeus is his modesty. Let's face it. He is kicking insurgent ass, over there.

Here are a few things the terrorists didn't know about General Petraeus when they provoked his wrath:

• General Petraeus's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.


• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for General Petraeus.


• General Petraeus can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "hooah."


• General Petraeus does not sleep. He waits.


• General Petraeus once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.


• General Petraeus took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible. I already lost my virginity," then you are dead wrong.


• General Petraeus can slam revolving doors.


• General Petraeus doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.


• General Petraeus counted to infinity - twice.


• When General Petraeus exercises, the machine gets stronger.


• General Petraeus is allowed to talk about Fight Club.


• General Petraeus sleeps with a night light. Not because General Petraeus is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of General Petraeus.


• Water boils faster when General Petraeus watches it.


• If General Petraeus is late, time better slow the fuck down.


• When General Petraeus jumps in a lake, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Petraeus.


• General Petraeus once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.


• General Petraeus refers to himself in fourth person.


• Superman owns a pair of General Petraeus pajamas.


• As a child, General Petraeus played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos.


• General Petraeus's sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.


• General Petraeus always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.


• The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is General Petraeus.

But Curmudgette, you are saying, aren't these just warmed over Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel jokes? Yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

EVERYTHING is better with General Petraeus in it. The following video, for instance, is only good, if you close your eyes and imagine he's singing about General David Petraeus.

Jim Webb: Now THAT'S Support for the Troops

I am loving Jim Webb, at this moment, for saying on "Meet the Press" what I have been saying for years; that Republicans need to stop using the troops as political cover and putting words in the mouths of the voiceless. Voiceless because members of the military are bound by the UCMJ not to align themselves publicly with any political cause. Yet, the Bush Administration, at every turn, uses them as props to dress a set and exploits their deaths to justify killing more of them.

Hat tip to Crooks and Liars for providing this partial transcript of Webb's stand-off with Lindsey Graham:

Graham: “The surge has been in place for two weeks” Webb: “we didn’t
do that in two weeks”

Webb: “It’s been a hard month Lindsey, hasn’t it?”

Webb: “Lindsey’s had a hard month. These people who have gathered around the President, you know, on the immigration bill and this bill, I know it’s been tough. We gotta bring people together …”

Webb: “We’re now in a situation where the soldiers and the Marines are having less than a one to one ratio [time at home versus time at war], and somebody needs to speak up for them instead of simply defending what this President …”

Graham: “Well, they reenlist in the highest numbers anywhere than the…”

Webb: “This one thing I really take objection to is politicians …”

Lindsey keeps interrupting

Webb: “May I speak? … Is politicians who put their political views in the mouths of soldiers. You can look at poll after poll and the political views of the United States military are no different than the country writ large. Go take a look at the New York Times today. Less than half of the military believes that we should have been in Iraq in the first place.”

Graham: “Have you ever been to Iraq? Have you ever been?”

Webb: “Have you ever been to these … I’ve covered two wars as a correspondent.”

Graham: “Have you been to Iraq and talked to the soldiers?”

[Curmudgette's note to Lindsey Graham: Jim Webb's own son served in Iraq as a US Marine!! Do you think he might have a little insight into what his own son and other grunts are facing over there?]

Webb: “You know, you haven’t been to Iraq Lindsey. (cross-talk). You go see the dog and pony show. That’s what Congressman do.”

cross talk

Webb: “I’ve been a member of the military more than the Senators been a Senator.”

———
Webb: “35% of the United States military agrees with the policy of this President.”

Graham: “Well, why do they keep reenlisting? Why do they go back?”

Webb: “Because they love their country. (cross-talk) They do not do it for political reasons. Believe me, my family’s been doing this since the Revolutionary War.”

Graham: “Yea? Well so has my family.”

Webb: “They do it because they love their country. They do it because they have a tradition, and it is the responsibility of our national leaders so make sure that they are used properly.” [Emphases mine]

Once Again, It's the Oil Stupid

A tip of the hat to Chris Floyd for making my point and providing the proof. Anyone who thinks we are in Iraq for reasons other than oil isn't paying attention. While pundits scratch their heads; baffled by a President unconcerned with public opinion, rebellious generals, and defections in his own party, Bush and puppet-master Cheney just keep marching forward with their agenda. It's a kind of anti-politics, which must sound to seasoned politicos like a whistle only dogs can hear.

It looks like political suicide but it's simply the Bush Administration fulfilling the purpose for which it was installed, no matter what the peasantry thinks. Bush will have his "surge." Tony Snow has made very clear that no political process can prevent him.

Snow held out hope that the Democrats would come to their senses about opposing this but admitted it could even be a battle royal. But what about calls for the Democrats to halt the build up by denying funding? Snow admitted congress had funding control but also pointed out that the president could ultimately do what he wants. "You know, Congress has the power of the purse," Snow said, then added: "The President has the ability to exercise his own authority if he thinks Congress has voted the wrong way."

The reason is not mysterious. It's not just political tone-deafness, delusional thinking, or unbridled arrogance. It's that America's will is not invested in the ambitions of the oil barons at the helm. Floyd puts it into perspective.

The reason that George W. Bush insists that "victory" is achievable in Iraq is not because he is deluded or isolated or ignorant or detached from reality or ill-advised. No, it's that his definition of "victory" is different from those bruited about in his own rhetoric and in the ever-earnest disquisitions of the chattering classes in print and on-line. For Bush, victory is indeed at hand. It could come at any moment now, could already have been achieved by the time you read this. And the driving force behind his planned "surge" of American troops is the need to preserve those fruits of victory that are now ripening in his hand.

At any time within the next few days, the Iraqi Council of Ministers is expected to approve a new "hydrocarbon law" essentially drawn up by the Bush Administration and its UK lackey, the Independent on Sunday reports.

As per the Independent, big oil, whose front men are still squatting in the White House, is about to achieve the objective for which this war was launched.

Iraq's massive oil reserves, the third-largest in the world, are about to be thrown open for large-scale exploitation by Western oil companies under a controversial law which is expected to come before the Iraqi parliament within days.

The US government has been involved in drawing up the law, a draft of which has been seen by The Independent on Sunday. It would give big oil companies such as BP, Shell and Exxon 30-year contracts to extract Iraqi crude and allow the first large-scale operation of foreign oil interests in the country since the industry was nationalised in 1972.

The Independent takes pains to point out that the warmongers have claimed from the beginning that this war was not being fought over oil.

Proposing the parliamentary motion for war in 2003, Tony Blair denied the "false claim" that "we want to seize" Iraq's oil revenues. He said the money should be put into a trust fund, run by the UN, for the Iraqis, but the idea came to nothing. The same year Colin Powell, then Secretary of State, said: "It cost a great deal of money to prosecute this war. But the oil of the Iraqi people belongs to the Iraqi people; it is their wealth, it will be used for their benefit. So we did not do it for oil."

Supporters say the provision allowing oil companies to take up to 75 per cent of the profits will last until they have recouped initial drilling costs. After that, they would collect about 20 per cent of all profits, according to industry sources in Iraq. But that is twice the industry average for such deals. [emphases added]

So now that the country lies prostrate -- war-torn, factionalized, economically crippled, with shattered infrastructure -- it's big oil to the rescue. They will help the fragile Iraqi government to harvest their oil, and for the favor they will take 3 quarters of the profit until they say they have recouped their costs. Such a deal!

I'm reminded of Tony Soprano explaining to his childhood friend why he's gutted his business in order to extract payment for gambling debts. Like the scorpion who's convinced the frog to take him across the river, he's stung him to death before ever reaching the shore. "It's my nature," he explains. The fictive version of the Ramsey Outdoor Store is lost and so it appears is the real-world Iraq. But not without providing enrichment for a criminal enterprise.