NOBODY Scoops General Petraeus

Appearing at The Jaundiced Eye, My Left Wing, and the Independent Bloggers' Alliance.

This week the General Accountability Office slipped an advance copy of its progress report on Iraq to the Washington Post. Their report was "strikingly negative." The GAO thinks that Iraq has failed to meet all but 3 of its 18 mandated benchmarks. But that's because the GAO is a bunch of girlie-men. Don't they know that we are all supposed to -- say it with me now -- "Wait to hear what General Petraeus has to say!"

Well General Petraeus is speaking, to The Australian, and guess what: The Surge Is Working!

"We say we have achieved progress, and we are obviously going to do everything we can to build on that progress and we believe al-Qa'ida is off balance at the very least," he said.

At the "very least," he says. Pshaw. I think the thing I love most about General Petraeus is his modesty. Let's face it. He is kicking insurgent ass, over there.

Here are a few things the terrorists didn't know about General Petraeus when they provoked his wrath:

• General Petraeus's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.


• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for General Petraeus.


• General Petraeus can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "hooah."


• General Petraeus does not sleep. He waits.


• General Petraeus once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.


• General Petraeus took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible. I already lost my virginity," then you are dead wrong.


• General Petraeus can slam revolving doors.


• General Petraeus doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.


• General Petraeus counted to infinity - twice.


• When General Petraeus exercises, the machine gets stronger.


• General Petraeus is allowed to talk about Fight Club.


• General Petraeus sleeps with a night light. Not because General Petraeus is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of General Petraeus.


• Water boils faster when General Petraeus watches it.


• If General Petraeus is late, time better slow the fuck down.


• When General Petraeus jumps in a lake, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Petraeus.


• General Petraeus once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.


• General Petraeus refers to himself in fourth person.


• Superman owns a pair of General Petraeus pajamas.


• As a child, General Petraeus played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos.


• General Petraeus's sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.


• General Petraeus always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.


• The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is General Petraeus.

But Curmudgette, you are saying, aren't these just warmed over Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel jokes? Yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

EVERYTHING is better with General Petraeus in it. The following video, for instance, is only good, if you close your eyes and imagine he's singing about General David Petraeus.